You’ve got to a point now where you are fed up with dating because they never are the right person for you.
You are realising that actually this “wrong” person is the kind of person you’ve been having relationships with your whole life.
It is frustrating because why is everyone else managing to find the right person and you can’t?
The reason may be your energy and your subconscious. You may not want to hear that it is you getting in your own way and attracting the person you don’t want, BUT this is good, because it means you can change who you attract.
So, what am I talking about when it comes to your energy and subconscious?
I’m talking about your resistances and blocks: your beliefs, thoughts, past relationship experiences, childhood experiences, triggers, emotional reactions, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
There are lots of things that come into play here. I’m going to look at 3 of them (otherwise we’ll be here all day) and it is important to note that quite often they can be interlinked.
Beliefs affect our thoughts, which affect our emotions, which affect our actions.
Often our thoughts, emotions and behaviours happen on autopilot. Sometimes the beliefs that are running the show are beliefs we are not aware we hold, but they will play out and create these automatic emotional reactions, which then affect our behaviour.
For example, a client of mine wanted to find a partner and have a relationship but said she wasn’t ready to date and she wanted to wait a bit. With further exploration, we discovered she held the belief that she needed to lose weight before she could start dating and delving a little deeper this came back to the belief “I’m not good enough”. Meeting and speaking to men she was interested in triggered her (check out this blog on getting triggered).
This belief affected her thoughts (and we say a lot of things to ourselves), which affected her emotions, which affected her behaviour, which then fulfilled the initial belief, and the cycle continued.
She wanted to date but was stopping herself because deep down she was telling herself she wasn’t good enough to find a man the way she was right now and she needed to change. So, she didn’t make the effort to go on dates. Even when she met men who showed interest and she liked, she felt the fear and pulled back, so nothing further could happen.
This client wasn’t fully aware that this cycle was happening until she stood back and explored her actions and asked herself why she behaved that way.
Some of the beliefs we hold are from past experiences in relationships, but can also be other areas of our life that have nothing to do with relationships. They can be from our childhood, they can have come about as adults. Some of the beliefs aren’t even ours, they are our parents, grandparents, teachers, society’s, etc.
No matter where they come from they can still affect us. A really good way to start identifying your beliefs is writing down your thoughts, like journaling. This is to write down everything without thinking about it.
So you can pick a topic, maybe relationships, and start writing whatever comes to mind. You can do this once or a few times, and when you read it back notice what you are saying. Are you holding lots of negative thoughts about relationships? Are there beliefs that have always been there?
Yes, this is a great way to notice the negative thoughts and beliefs, but also notice what positives you have.
Fear can show up in lots of ways and can be linked to a belief, or it can be its own thing.
I was working with a client recently who had a big fear of rejection. During the session she realised that she had a pattern of attracting unavailable men. When she was dating, the men she liked wanted to keep things casual or would disappear after a while. Even when she was in a relationship, they would cheat on her or leave her.
All these experiences with the unavailable men reinforced that fear of rejection.
Our unconscious and subconscious minds like to keep us safe and what is safe is what it knows. So, if you’ve experienced lots of rejection then you’ll attract more people who will reject you because in your mind you know this experience and it is safe.
Also, because you’ll be worrying about getting rejected (and this might not be at the forefront of your mind but it is there affecting your actions) you will start to notice you are attracting those kinds of people as it is what you are focused on. Afterall, what you focus on is what you attract into your world.
Knowing what fears you are holding onto is the starting point to stop them from affecting your outcomes. It also means you can notice when they are starting to create negative behaviours and break those behaviours.
For instance, the fear of rejection might make you accept someone else’s behaviour even though it completely goes against your boundaries but you choose not to say anything as you fear they will leave you. But noticing when that fear is coming up and consciously deciding to do the action anyway (like the phrase ‘feel the fear, do it anyway’) can help break that cycle.
Again, journaling is a great way to notice what fears you have.
Patterns follow on nicely from the above two topics. Patterns are a great way to notice beliefs or fears you may have.
For instance, I had a client that when things got difficult in his relationship he would lash out at this partner. He would say nasty things and turn everything back on her. This was his pattern. Things got tough and he lashed out.
Exploring what was going on beneath the surface, it became clear this pattern was due to a fear of being vulnerable. He hated having to be open about how he felt and baring his inner thoughts, so instead of having a conversation he would lash out and that way he avoided having the conversation, even if the conversation wasn’t a big deal, to him it was as it meant being vulnerable.
For him, this pattern tied back to when he was younger and wasn’t able to express how he felt as he was bullied by his mother’s partners.
Knowing this information meant he could start changing how this past experience and pattern showed up for him, and put in place techniques to change the pattern of reacting in this way.
Learning what patterns you have that are affecting your love life negatively means you can start to notice them more and change how you behave.
We all have these negative patterns or limiting beliefs or behaviours that don’t support what we want in our lives. This is totally normal. So if you are realising some of the resistances and blocks you have, don’t judge yourself. Judgement just adds to the resistances. Instead be glad you are noticing them because that’s where change comes from.
For all of this, awareness is key and the starting place.
However, it can be really tough to notice your own resistances and blocks. We are in our own bubbles and can’t always see things from the outside. Having a coach really helps with that. As I am not in my client’s bubble I can see things from a different perspective, I hear what they are saying and see their body language in a way they don’t.
I also use the Energy Alignment Method (EAM) to help them 1) identify what resistances they have, 2) release those resistances and 3) align to what they actually want to feel and do, getting clear on their goals and outcomes.
EAM taps into their energy and subconscious which means you can identify and clear so much more than just consciously thinking about it, because it helps reveal things you didn’t know were there.
Doing the inner work makes the biggest difference. I know this from working with clients but also from my own journey. I had attracted a total shit and now I’m engaged to an amazing man, because I did the inner work.
When you do the inner work it makes it so much easier to start attracting the right people into your world, because it brings clarity (didn’t talk about this today but so important to be clear on what you want), it changes where your focus is, it helps clear resistances holding you back and it helps you step into your power, which allows you to make choices that are right for you.
If you keep attracting the wrong person, try journaling or exploring what resistances you hold, it is always fascinating to see what comes up for us. Check out this blog where I go into a bit more detail about attracting the right person.
If you do need any help with it or want to have a chat about working with a coach, please do reach out to me or join me on Friday 2nd July for the free Masterclass: Relationship I Dream Of, where you will get the chance to try out EAM, identify resistances, get some clarity on what you want and ask any questions you have.
Ceza Ouzounian is an award winning Relationship Coach, an Energy Alignment Method Mentor, Fitness Instructor, best selling author and speaker. She helps professionals have the relationship they desire. Ceza knows exactly what is required to have a relationship you love, that is full of support, passion and love, and has helped many reach their desired relationship. She shares the valuable lessons from her own journey and what she has learnt from work with clients and those around her to support her clients to have their dream relationship.